6 Years Later...
Holy shit this place changed so much.
I highly doubt anyone actually remembers me let alone if I still have any active watchers here lol but anyway... Hi.
To re-introduce myself I'm Midnight. No that's not my real name, neither is Destiny. And no, I did not start calling myself Midnight after the MHA character. Although I do find her funny lol
I remember waaaayy back on my 13th birthday in 2009 I ran to make a deviantart account because my passion was to draw and make art. I wanted to make art my passion and obviously I posted quite a bit. Probably not as much as I would have liked since I valued my education growing up. Looking back at all my old deviations... my God I was cringe AF.
I am in my mid-late 20's now. I went to university for a bit, but dropped out midway through 2020 because of COVID and other life stressors.
For anyone who is reading this and wondering why I left dA, if anyone really cares to know... simply put... I just wasn't interested in posting my stuff here anymore. I was seeing how dA was being overtaken by fetish art and other uncomfortable pieces (most of it being fan art of children's characters), that I wasn't sure if I wanted to share a space with those who were looking for art just for a quick fap or to steal or to do... other unsavory things, look idk what these users do in their spare time.
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to kink shame anyone! Whatever you do behind closed doors or what you get off to is none of my business. But it was hard to scroll through the front page without getting blasted with weird fan art of characters being fetishized even with the mature filter switched on. Unlike tumblr, you couldn't just put in tags that will filter out any posts you don't want to see. I have no idea if dA had anything like that implemented now. Plus, at the time, there was (and probably still is) a huge debate about whether or not if making anything original was going to really get you noticed since the site was getting oversaturated with fan art. Now I'm the last person to be saying that fan art is bad. Most of my old cringey art is 90% fan art. For a while my dream was to travel to conventions to sell fan art in artists alley since I saw so many other artists do it and it looked fun. But not only was fan art the only things that were getting noticed, many pieces were often just catering to a kink. Again, fetishizing characters and such.
Many users were also being toxic and harassing others and overall just creating a negative space for everyone. But then again, this was also a looooong time ago and I'm practically an old lady, so I could also be remembering things wrong or just going off hearsay of many a horror story. I should also mention that I was not actively participating in any of these spaces, mostly because by the time this kind of thing was a problem, I was becoming an adult who was more concerned with having a job and working, and moving, and spending time with family and my partner who eventually became my fiancée.
I was active on tumblr as well, but I kept hearing so many nightmare stories about certain fandoms and of again, people harassing others and creating a toxic environment. I wasn't actively engaging in these areas anyway, so I left tumblr too.
And of course, I was interested in other social media platforms like Instagram and tiktok. Those places obviously have their own controversies and problems, but nothing that was personally affecting me, other than getting screwed over by the Insta algorithm, tons of "brand ambassador" offers (coughcoughSCAMcoughcough), and getting the occasional creepy man trying to hit me up every time I posted a cute selfie. Fun. /s
And tiktok is a whole jar of worms all on its own, but that's neither here nor there.
Due to to the huge Twitter and Reddit downfall though, tumblr is becoming a bit more active and was definitely less of a dumpster fire than before. (I'm also saying less because there are probably parts of tumblr that are not stable and are just as chaotic and toxic as before) But regardless, I still do artwork although I haven't posted too many new things. If anyone is interested, here's my tumblr: midnightdestiny04.tumblr.com
I definitely plan on redrawing a some pieces from my cringey old sloughs gate now that I'm mostly a digital artist now and even though it was painful to see some of my old art again, it was nice to see how far I've come.
Jeez this is a long post.
****So... I just wanted to let anyone know who is currently watching me why I'm not very active on dA anymore.
I've been doing artwork, don't get me wrong, but I've been very busy, unmotivated, and several personal things have happened.
For the most part I'd like to keep my personal life private, but to give any of you a hint of why I was gone is not only because I've been on tumblr a lot or wanting to improve, but also because my personal life is a little vexing and trying at this time. Improving my artwork, at least for me, meant that I had to stay away from other people's works for a little bit and work on my own time studying books, occasionally looking at a reference on google images, etc, etc. I've only really looked at other people's works on Youtube or tumblr for inspiration and/or studying anatomy, techniques, how clothes fall and fold over, texture, learning how to use various photoshop tools, etc.
I have some pieces that I didn't post here that are on my tumblr. (same username, same way it's spelled here)
I've also been very sad lately. To the point where I will get sad randomly or start crying for no reason. I've also been very stressed out. I haven't been taking proper care of myself. There were days where I would have panic attacks and other times I'd be so stressed to the point where I almost threw up. I don't really want to get into the main factor that causes me to feel like this. Because, like I said, I'd like to keep my real life private.****
For those who don't know what it feels to have a panic attack, it basically turns your body into fight or flight mode. Your mind begins to go insanely wild with thoughts rushing in one after another, sometimes all at once. You feel like you can't breathe, like you're ready to die at any moment. You're terrified and stuck in a dark corner. Your heart pounds faster, you feel like your lungs are collapsing, your head begins to hurt. You can't move, just sit there and shake. You begin to hyperventilate, which prevents oxygen from getting to your brain and lungs properly. Doing this can also make you feel dizzy. Your anxiety gnaws at your brain, you feel like you're helpless. You feel like there's no hope for you or anyone else trying to help you. You can't relax. Most times, at least for me, you start to cry because you want someone to help you and tell you that everything is okay, that nothing can hurt you; That this will pass, and they're there for you. And help you remember to take deeper, longer breaths.
(Also as a side-tangent, if you notice someone having a panic attack don't ever ask, "Are you okay?" Because that will just make things worse since... you know, because they're panicking. Of course they're not okay.)
This usually happens when a person is feeling nervous and anxious, or they are very, VERY stressed out.
--But MD04!! Can't you just... y'know, stop them?
It's not that easy. For some people, panic attacks are very brief and can get back up fairly easily. But other people's attacks can last pretty long. In some severe cases, maybe even hours. The only way to really stop a panic attack, is to breathe deeply and slowly, because this tells your body to slow down. Even when the worst of it is over, parts of what triggered the attack in the first place can still come back later. People who have anxiety disorders aren't the only ones who suffer from panic attacks. People who have severe low self-esteem or suffer from PTSD can have these attacks too. A normal person who's too stressed out due to family situations, professional situations (ie: Too much work being put onto you.), relationship issues, or unfortunate circumstances can have a panic attack too. For some people, this is unlikely to happen, but the chance of experiencing one is still there.
For me, the chance of a panic attack happening is when I feel like I've made too many mistakes in a row.
--But MD04!! Everyone makes mistakes! Nobody's perfect!!
Even so, that doesn't matter. I'm a perfectionist. I've always been pretty hard on myself when it came to pretty much everything I do. I would try my damndest to make sure I didn't let anyone down or try hard to reach a goal that I set for myself. My expectations of myself are brutal. Most likely, a normal person would say that my expectations for myself are impossible. But that's not an excuse for me. I can't handle making a lot of mistakes, especially in front of people. I can forgive myself when I'm alone pretty easily. Some days, I can forgive myself even in front of people, but 99% of the time, I end up making myself feel so stupid and inadequate. Like I'm a failure. I can take critique. But if I keep making obvious mistakes or keep being clumsy, I can get down on myself real fast. And if someone is really picking at me for every mistake I make, even if it's accidental, then it just makes things worse.
--Okay but... MD04!! Didn't you say you're religious or something?
Yes I am a Christian. A born-again Christian to be exact. And no I'm not one of those a crazy people who will shove my beliefs down anyone else's throats or tell you super absurd things (ie: Gay people shouldn't be alive because they're sinners. <--- BTW that's hate speech. Pretty sure the bible has a few verses about, y'know, not hating people because they're different. But I digress...). You can believe whatever you want to. I'm not the boss of you. And I'm not gonna judge you if you believe in different things than me. What I'm trying to get at here is that sometimes you'd like to hear advice from a spiritual POV. And because of that I've had other people from my faith tell me in the past that mental illness doesn't exist because it's just the devil attacking you with your thoughts. I've also heard from other people in my faith that the medication doctors give out is just drugging people up to make them feel even worse and make their bodies weaker. I've also heard that said people who say they have a mental illness is just using it to get attention, or get out of doing something they don't want to do.
Mental illness does exist. Yes it's true that God made us in his image and we shouldn't be afraid of anything (and remember, this is just me saying my beliefs here, you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to). Yes, the devil can get to you through your thoughts, but it's only a demonic attack if he catches you alone. You gotta remember, the devil wants to hurt, kill, and destroy, and the best way he knows how is through your thought process. And if you're alone, it makes it easier. But you also have to remember that God knows your thought process too. And it takes courage to ask for help sometimes, be it spiritual help or just calling someone and asking for help that way. It's a really big step to not only acknowledge that you need help, but to also ask for it when you need it. We were made to be emotional, spiritual, and organic beings. Of course there are going to things that make us scared, be it irrational or not. Yes, we're made up of a lot of minerals and flesh, and bones, and what have you. What some people forget to realize is that we are also made with a lot of chemicals, especially in our brains.
Now it's argued a LOT that mental illnesses are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. As of now, there's no conclusive scientific proof or facts that this is actually the case. Whether or not this is true, however, it doesn't change the fact that your emotions or mental state isn't something you can just control super easily, despite what some people will tell you. (ie: Just snap out of it! Stop being sad. Stop acting like a psycho! Get over it. Why are you so angry/sad/anxious all the time? etc.)
It's also argued that the term, "chemical imbalance in the brain" is used to ensure the patient's illness isn't stigmatized. More often than not, the actual illness is more complex than that.
People with ADD or ADHD have a chemical imbalance in their brains that prevents them from trying to focus on things that they need to focus on or remember certain things that they need to have done. (for example, trying to focus on homework but getting distracted by someone else's music, trying to come up with ideas for a group project but everyone else's ideas interfere with the ideas in your head, going to grab something you need and then coming back with everyone else except the one thing you needed, changing location so that you focus better, there are other examples in many other places.) Sometimes in cases like people with ADD/ADHD, Depression, etc... They are prescribed medication to help cope with the illness. Because of the whole chemical imbalance thing, the way to combat this imbalance is to use other chemicals (ie: medicine) to counteract this imbalance.
Do I think those people are being attacked by the devil? No! The disorders they have are just something they have to live with. You can't just decide one day that you're not ADD/ADHD or that you're not depressed. It doesn't work that way. Some mental illnesses are genetic like bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and depression. Just because you are suffering from something going on in your head, does not mean that you are broken. Just because you've thought of hurting yourself, doesn't mean you're instantly a severe case that needs to go to a mental ward. Don't give in to self-harm or attempting suicide. It's tempting, believe me it is, to think that things would be easier if you weren't around anymore. But it's not worth putting other people who love and care about you through that kind of pain. It might be scary to ask for help when you know you need it, and it might be scary to talk to people about the skeletons in your brain-closet because they might not understand, but people go to school for these things. They are professionally trained to help people. That's what psychiatrists, therapists, and toll-free hotlines are for. It's better to talk to someone who does not have an agenda for your life, image, reputation, professional life, whatever.
Your illness does not define who you are. You are not alone. A lot of people have a mental illness of some sort, sometimes multiple. Everyone has the right to be who they want to be, and rock at it without feeling like they're flaws, shortcomings, or anything else should stop them from being happy. Be careful on who you decide to share your struggles with, because we're still in an age where most people don't understand what mental illness is about and will resort to the stigma that only really "crazy" people need therapy.
If you think you may have a mental illness, please go see a doctor right away. The tunnel will be dark and bumpy, it will get difficult to keep yourself together. There will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. Always, always, always. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
****In conclusion, a lot of things are happening in my life that I can't control, and there are many factors that contribute to my stress and depression (I'm not diagnosed btw, I'm not a doctor, but I am showing a lot of signs and symptoms of depression). I don't want all of you to worry about me. I'm doing okay, for the most part. I'm seeking therapy and I have more than enough people in my life that love me and support me. I'm just sorry that I didn't provide any new content for you all.
I'm trying to get better at my art skills, trying to live my life out, trying to be responsible, trying to be more of an adult, and trying to help myself. I've played the patient and the doctor for myself for too long now. I'm tired and posting art isn't always a priority. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm still alive, but I'm just not around on dA. I'm much more active on my tumblr. I don't post a lot, but I do reblog a lot of stuff. So if any of you are interested in following me, then go right on ahead.
Anyway, I've said my piece. I hope you're all doing okay and I truly appreciate the fact that you watched me or gave me llama badges or even favourited my artwork. Thanks for understanding.
Bai-Bai! ~
HEY!! ...So I have a blog now.
midnightdestiny04.tumblr.com/
I reblog food, art references and occasionally post art.
So... Where have I been?
Wow, I haven't updated since... Well almost a year ago.
Life has kinda got in the way of my artistic ventures. Fear not, I have not given up on my hobby.
I've been trying to experiment with art styles, trying to get more semi-realistic.
I've also been kinda lazy. And when I'm not lazy I'm working. As in... a job. Trying to save up to go to school.
Not much other than that has happened since.
I have moved away and it feels weird, incredible, liberating, and frightening all at the same time to be on your own.
I also want to thank everyone who have decided to watch me even though I don't really update. I really appreciate it and thank you so much for taking the time to even look at my artwork. It's super old. LOL
I think I also forgot to mention in my last journal post that while I was on my hiatus I was also on a trip! Yes, I took a short trip to Japan. And it was amazing. I probably won't post every picture from there, but I'll pick out the nicer pics that I took from that trip.
No I didn't see any weird vending machines.
No I didn't go to the red light district.
And no, there were no tentacle monsters... Unless you count the amount of octopus and squid I ate. Which was delicious.
In terms of anime I've been watching some new ones. I recently finished Mob Psycho 100 and of course I as well as everyone else has seen One Punch Man. (Season 2 confirmed! Hell yeah!)
I still love YYH.
Y'know looking back, I feel like I've changed SO MUCH since I started this account. At first it was just for fun. Then as I got older, I wanted to improve and then life stuff just kinda happened. It threw me into a bit of a rut sometimes.
I guess maybe one of these days I should do one of those "Draw it again" Memes. Is that something you would like to see?
Also, I might move on and make an account of wysp or drawcrowd. I haven't decided yet.
I won't close this account down. I honestly don't think I could or have the heart to do so.
That's all for me. My birthday is coming up, holy crap I am getting OLD.
Bai-Bai! ~
HOLY SHIT STRANGER!!
Nothing much happened other than Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday (I can't believe I'm as old as I am, seriously. I don't feel like an adult at all), and so much other real life stuff.
I'm sorry about not being very active.
My work life and other life things became more of a priority than art. I'm trying to get back into art and such.
I'm been more into cooking lately and it became one of my favourite hobbies. Another thing, I'm also moving and will work more so that I can save money and finally go to school.
Other than that, I may or may not post things soon and all that. I was kinda thinking of making a tumblr since I can not only get a ton of laughs, but a to more feedback.
I did notice that I gained a ton of watchers while I was on my hiatus (THANK YOU SO MUCH BTW), however, if I can make time to update I'd like to try and improve before I head off to school.
On the lighter side of things I've been into more anime and stuff. Like... ONE PUUUUUUUUNCH!!! And since a certain someone wanted to watch Yu Yu Hakusho with me finally, I'm getting more and more intro the fandom again (wait are there still people who like or watch/read it? Please tell me there is...)
Anyway, that is all for now.
I hope you guys understand.
I'm not leaving deviantART for good, but know that I won't post anything for a bit if not at all.
Thanks for faving and liking my stuff, giving me llamas and watching me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it (despite not updating at all... I'm sorry.)
Bai-Bai! ~